Encyclopedia Hearsay | U2

The Encyclopedia Hearsay was founded on four principles: misinformation, rumours, half-remembered conversations and outright lies. Anyone can contribute so long as articles are written with no research whatsoever. If you are citing The Land Before Time as a source or abusing footnotes like David Foster Wallace, you are on the right track.

U2 is a band from Ireland that started making music sometime in the early 80s. They have released a bunch of albums, the later ones mostly bought by dads[1]. A couple of their early albums are considered seminal rock recordings, while their later output is vouched for by late 30-somethings who opine “there are some really worthwhile songs on their later albums, trust me”[2]. The band consists of four long-time members: Bono, The Edge, Larry Mullin Jr. and Adam Clayton. The best reason for the band to continue at all in present day is attributed 100% to the existence of Earwolf podcast U Talkin’ U2 2 Me?, which is pretty great.

 I’m sure U2 have a bunch of redeeming qualities. Firstly, they are very socially conscious and have undoubtedly helped a number of causes that they’ve championed throughout the years. They wrote some pretty great songs on their early albums, most of which I’m sure I’m capable of naming. Bono apparently drew a dick for podcaster Scott Aukerman when they sat down for an interview. They wrote the song “Numb,” which is a shit-kicker of a song, with a video that my 16-year old self remembers quite fondly[3]. However – and this is a big however – their douchebaggery almost definitely outweighs all these good things. Let’s go over a selection of them in point-form.

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Bono having sunglasses basically surgically grafted onto his face.

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The Edge playing the same riff for 25 years in the hopes that no one will notice.

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Their presence on the Batman Forever soundtrack and their inability to measure up to the perfect magnificence of Prince’s “Batdance”.

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Their appearance in that one episode of Entourage where Bono personally says something to Johnny Fucking Drama at a concert.

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The aforementioned digital invasion onto all Apple devices a couple of albums ago

[4]

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Misinforming a whole generation of young people on the proper way to count to four in Spanish

[5]

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 The problem with U2 almost definitely stems from the same symptom all long-running pop music makers suffer from: you don’t have anything important to say after seven albums. Shit, that can probably be brought down to four if we’re being super judicious. The greatest rock bands are supposed to burn bright, record a number of “important” albums, catch the cultural zeitgeist for a time and then hate each other and break up[6]. Another step has been added in recent times with the Coachella reunion, but for me personally to care about your nth album, it’s going to take a lot of effort. Now, this being the rule, there are of course a number of exceptions. Bowie could have kept releasing albums for the next 400 years and I’d be all right with it[7].  Dinosaur Jr. has also made a bunch of later day, post-reunion albums that are as good as or better[8] than their early stuff. But for every Bowie or J Mascis, there are dozens of bands like Metallica, Black Keys, Rolling Stones, Green Day, Pearl Jam, Megadeth, Weezer[9], Beach Boys, Metallica again, and sadly Ryan Adams[10].

 U2 should have stopped making music forever ago, but whatever. I guess it’s really up to them. They’re easily ignorable and aside from their phone-violation have kept themselves out of my life without much effort. That being said, we’re on the verge of a few of their albums having big anniversaries and it is going to be one hundred thousand percent insufferable. God forbid Bono die or something too and the internet self




[1]

Or else forcefully put on your iPhone in the middle of the night.

[2]

No one believes you, hypothetical strawman I invented.  .

[3]

But is too scared to revisit in the case that it sucks now.

[4]

Even if that album was miraculously great, no one gave a shit because of how violated they felt from the distribution method.

[5]

This really shouldn’t bother me as much as it does, but I honestly think about it maybe once a week.

[6]

Known as the Oasis Model.

[7]

And part of me wished he really was an alien and had a lifespan of a zillion years. RIP, good buddy.

[8]

Right? I’ll fight you if you disagree.

[9]

Who didn’t put out a worthwhile album after Matt Sharp left.

[10]

And I’ll only admit this to my own black heart when I’m by myself in the dark of night: Bruce Springsteen.


 

Image: Chris Alarcon

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