Your Monthly Horoscope

Shanda Leer is your favourite tipsy aunt at a wedding. Besides making every pizza personal-sized, her three talents are hosting, toasting and ghosting.

Aries

It’s spring and that’s when young folks thoughts turn to fancy! At least that’s what my grandmother used to say, may God rest her soul. Y’know, Nana used to say a lot of things that sounded slick but didn’t really have any weight to them. Kind of like your ongoing promise to stop bailing on your Tinder dates after one sloppy sleepover.

Sagittarius

There’s no denying you have a strong sexual appeal. You’re cute! You know how to dress yourself! And those eyes? Gorgeous! There’s just one tiny grating habit you’ve got that’s holding you back — you say “no worries” a lot. And sincerely. It might seem polite but it’s like pouring poison into my ears and you come across as genuine as a Bachelor contestant.

Virgo

How excited are you to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2, huh? It’s going to be so great! That trailer had me splitting my sides — Andrea Martin’s still got it! I remember going to see the first one with my ex-husband, Jeffrey. He hated it. It partially contributed to the divorce. I said to him, I said, “JEFFREY! If you can’t enjoy a cheap laugh then I feel sorry for you!” Luckily you and I don’t take life so seriously. And if we’re worried, eh, just spray a lil’ Windex on it, am I right? (I couldn’t help myself!)

Leo

OK hun, this habit of interfering with your friends’ love lives has got to stop. First off, it’s not a cute look. Second, it’ll give you wrinkles you can’t afford — I can say this because I’m your auntie and I love you. But third, you’re gonna get yourself all worked up and probably corner some poor person at a crowded bar to spew your “advice,” which is just a sad way of confessing what you want in a relationship but are too afraid to own it. So just own it! Or get laid, whatever, it’s not my place to say.

Taurus

Now you, you’ve got the patience of a saint. I might be the only one who sees it though. Let’s take a minute to give you a public round of applause for keeping your ship afloat in a tumultuous sea of bullshit. I know what that’s like, I was married for 23 years. I’m not saying marriage is a bad thing, I’m just saying if you’ve got a partner who can’t enjoy a simple movie– Y’know what, this isn’t about me. But thanks for listening.

Gemini

I know your secret. I know it and y’know what? I still love you. It’s true! It’s nothing to be ashamed of — some people are just wired that way you know? Nana used to say, “A zebra can’t change his stripes and that doesn’t stop him from looking his best.” I want you to feel good about yourself. Stop worrying about people catching a glimpse of what’s on your computer screen. I want you to be free in your identity. There’s lots of people just like you who bookmark those 30-second recipe videos and never cook a damn thing, and yet feel smug about their kitchen prowess.

Libra

Hey, y’know how I said spring is sprung? That doesn’t mean it’s going to be sunshine all day every day. Unless we all move to a mansion in California but you know I don’t have the money for that. Not with three kids and an ex-husband who can’t recognize the simple joys in life. But anyway, back to the weather. It’ll probably rain once or twice and you’ll need an umbrella so here’s the cosmic T: don’t be one of those monsters that uses a full sized golf umbrella on a crowded sidewalk. Better still, don’t be an asshole who walks under an awning with your umbrella open. Move two feet to the side and let the wet folks get a few seconds of respite.

Pisces

You’re my favourite this month, Pisces, and you deserve it! I mean, everyone deserves love but you especially. I saw you roll your eyes when you overheard that guy talk about how he’s just “obsessed” with acro-yoga and I really appreciated it. Now I hope you can keep it up and call him out when his argument for being a feminist is just parroting that “because it’s 2016” soundbite because you and I know it runs much deeper than some media-generated platitude. I’ve got faith in you! More faith than I had in my ex-husband, Jeffrey, but that’s a story for another time.

Aquarius

Sweetie, we need to talk about this new vocal quirk you’ve picked up. Y’know the one I’m talking about. The one where you say “weird” in a distant voice that trails off like you’re expecting someone nearby to answer your question or clarify something even though you’ve already moved on from the problem. Not everything is “weird.” Sometimes things are “odd” or “strange,” or even “funny” but not funny “ha ha,” more funny “strange.” Stop relying on “weird.” That’s the reaction equivalent to yoga pants — basic, plain and worn out.

Scorpio

You’ve been down in the dumps lately but I’ve got a prescription for you: pull tabs and karaoke. I know, I know — that’s not news to you. Everyone loves pull tabs and karaoke. But you’ve gotta follow this exact combination: get there at 8 PM and put in four songs off the hop; spend $10 on pull tabs and order a pitcher of draught, and a bowl of fries; sip on the draught and appreciate the karaoke regulars who sing the same song every week for who they are; appreciate that this isn’t your regular Tuesday routine; eat the fries, go home, fall asleep in a draughty daze and wake up on Wednesday morning determined to not go back there for at least month. Live your live.

Cancer

Plain and simple — you need to stop crowdsourcing your decisions on Facebook. “Thinking about getting a new phone but which one? Maybe it’s time for Android?” “It’s a take out night! Should I get pizza or Thai?” “UGGGG what to watch on Netflix???” You know what you need to do? Take a chance. Experience life. Make a mistake. You know why? Because the only people that are going to reply to that status are older relatives you haven’t seen in more than five years but still accepted their friend request. Or that girl from high school who had mom status before you graduated and constantly checks Facebook for a look at the outside world (even though in person she’ll call it Crackbook and say she’s done with it). You don’t need their help. You’ve got me. (Get tacos and watch House of Cards.)

Capricorn

Did you see that house in Palm Springs that hadn’t been changed since the 70s? I’ll let you in on a secret: I partied there once. It’s true! In my younger days some of my gal pals and I took a trip to Vegas and met some handsome fellas who invited us to their friend’s place in Palm Springs. You know who those men were? Dancers in Jubilee at Bally’s. You know who owned the house? Ava fucking Gardner. And you know how that happened? Because I followed the signs the universe gave me. So you? You need to follow your own signs. Just don’t expect to get laid by a dancer from Jubilee because while they were lovely boys they were more interested in Ava’s gowns than what was underneath if you know what I’m saying.

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