Your Monthly Horoscope

Shanda Leer is your favourite tipsy aunt at a wedding. Besides making every pizza personal-sized, her three talents are hosting, toasting and ghosting.

Pisces

Your playlist this month: Marilyn Manson, “Antichrist Superstar”

You’re surrounded by Beautiful People that rarely live up to your high expectations. My suggestion is you loose the Tourniquet and accept that not all battles result in victories. Embrace your natural emotive state and don’t let it fester lest you become Dried Up, Tied and Dead to the World.

Aries

Your playlist this month: The Beatles, “Revolver”

This album is largely considered a classic but when’s the last time you heard someone talk about that you genuinely wanted to converse with? If you feel neglected, don’t turn into an Eleanor Rigby sitting at the window, darning socks. Remember there’s life outside your Yellow Submarine and listen because Tomorrow Never Knows.

Taurus

Your playlist this month: TLC, “Crazy, Sexy, Cool”

There’s someone Diggin’ on You that you’ve not paid much mind to—fix that. Spring is nearly sprung and you don’t wanna be a Creep in the summer, fending off red flags who start stories with, “If I Was Your Girlfriend”. Get yourself together and Kick Your Game up a notch because Sumthin’ Wicked This Way Comes.

Gemini

Your playlist this month: Chumbawumba, “Tubthumper”

Whether it’s common knowledge or not, Chumbawumba has their roots as a punk/anarchist protest band. One major hit that lists off several drinks gives you a very true Gemini mantra, “I get knocked down, but I get up again/You are never gonna keep me down”. You do you, Mary Mary. Do you until you can’t and then squeeze out a little more. Don’t be afraid to say I Want More.

Cancer

Your playlist this month: RuPaul, “Supermodel of the World”

You betta Free Your Mind, honey. Sure, the world as we know it is slowly disintegrating around us but you still have a life to lead. You might be thinking, “I need to go Back To My Roots,” and you might be right. A House of Love is rejuvenating, whether it’s with your assigned or chosen family. I can’t predict what will happen when you visit but you can alleviate any pressure by shouting, “Everybody Dance!”

Leo

Your playlist this month: Jon Secada, “Jon Secada”

Some of your friends may say you’re Misunderstood, but that doesn’t phase you, hun. No, you’re One of a Kind and waiting for everyone to catch up. If there’s been an issue with finances this month, all I can offer is that there’s Always Something to worry about so face it head on, but don’t let it run your life. Throw your arms to sky and scream, “I’m Free,” and before you know it Just Another Day has passed.

Virgo

Your playlist this month: Depeche Mode, “Violator”

March is a month where you’d do well to reassess some relationships. if you’ve been serving as someone’s Personal Jesus but not getting anything in return it may be time to cut the cord. I recommend adopting a Policy of Truth with all relationships, romantic or otherwise. I might be seeing the World In My Eyes but speaking from experience when you cut the chaff, you Enjoy the Silence.

Libra

Your playlist this month: Jennifer Paige, “Jennifer Paige”

Do you have Questions? Generally, the answers are found within yourself but if you Get To Me, I  might be able to help—because it’s OK to ask for help! Between You and Me, asking for help can be very hard and leave you feeling Busted. Your feelings are valid. You’re gonna fine. You’re Always You.

Scorpio

Your playlist this month: Blues Traveller, “Four”

Scorpio, you are Fallible—I know, I can’t believe it either. Before you Crash and Burn, take a step back and really examine your life. Every ounce of it. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Sure, you may falter from time to time but wouldn’t you rather a reminder you’re human than indestructible? There’s a Price to Pay for all this Freedom.

Sagittarius

Your playlist this month: Celine Dion, “Falling Into You”

What can I say about you, Sagittarius? You’re a guiding light for your cosmic siblings. You know exactly what will Make You Happy and you snatch it. It’s not strange for you to say, “I don’t mind being All By Myself,” because you thrive in your own energy. Pop a bottle of bubbly and sign a Declaration of Love to you.

Capricorn

Your playlist this month: Blink-182, “Dude Ranch"

Cheeky lil’ bugger. I hope you’re feeling Enthused this month because otherwise you’re gonna find it quite Boring. Stop waiting for things to happen to you and take a leaf from Sagittarius. Do you wanna end up some Degenerate who can’t make a decision to save their life so they end up with Apple Shampoo sitting in their shower for months on end? Emo might be back but so far you’re just a Voyeur. 

Aquarius

Your playlist this month: Ciara, “Goodies”

I’m Lookin’ At You. Don’t just sit there and say, “Oh.” You’re coming out of a funk and there’s gonna be some Goodies coming your way—but you need to know how to recognize them. Think of this month as a time to refine your connection with your environment. Like you’re building a Hotline to the stars. Once you get that settled, you’ll 1, 2 Step into greener pastures.

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