Your Monthly Horoscope

Shanda Leer is your favourite tipsy aunt at a wedding. Besides making every pizza personal-sized, her three talents are hosting, toasting and ghosting.

Libra

Some people say to feel at home you need to surround yourself with things that calm and centre you. I say a chilled bottle of vodka and The Best of Simon and Garfunkel is the real silver bullet. Either way, you gotta figure that out soon because you’ll be spending a lot of time indoors this month and it’s best to have a distraction from the thoughts of your friends talking about you (which they most certainly are).

Scorpio

I’d trust all your gut feelings this month. Especially the ones after you eat a really heavy meal and feel like you need to nap. Just do it. Grab a snooze and relax. The only downside is that you might develop a pattern of low energy levels in the evening and totally mess up your circadian rhythms so you’re constantly tired, but that also takes pressure off of having to say no to parties, so who’s the real winner here?

Sagittarius

Do you have a smouldering rage within you? Does it feel like you’re going to erupt in a fantastic fashion and take down anyone within a three block radius? Are you charged with the passionate energy of Mars and looking to channel it through righteous fury? Let me save you a click: you’re all talk and you’ll rely on a passive-aggressive Instagram comment to make yourself feel like you truly won. Don’t ever change.

Capricorn

Think back to the worst pair of pants you’ve ever worn. Seriously. You’re probably thinking one of two things: “Is this bitch for real,” or, “I don’t own any bad pants!” But here’s the truth — you do. We all do. Every goddamn one of us does and until you can admit that, you’re going to be stuck in the same shitty job, living in the same miserable apartment, with the same useless friends until you reach a breaking point and move to the country. (The pants are a metaphor for your own personal development. [Of which there’s very little to be proud of.])

Aquarius

Why do something today when you can put it off indefinitely? I realize that’s bad advice but let’s be real, you’ll find a way to adorably screw it up. It’s not necessarily a bad quality to have. I mean, it’s kind of endearing. I know my Jeffrey was an absolute mess but I still loved him. Well, felt some kind of love for him. And even then, those feelings were probably born of familiarity because we spent most of our teen years together and then he knocked me up — which I don’t regret! — but how can I compare without a baseline, y’know? But you? You’re probably fine. 

Pisces

You know how people say David Hasselhoff was immensely popular in Germany and Austria after his career died in the US? That’s what I want for you, Pisces. Enduring fame that takes you far away and leaves you in mild obscurity at home. It’s not that I don’t think you’re capable or talented, or even smart enough to achieve global fame, it’s just that I don’t think you’re equipped to handle it. Which I guess calls into question your capability. Aw heck, just sit this month out.

Aries

I dusted off the ol’ Tinder app the other day and saw that you could add a song or something to your profile? I skipped that option real quick because can you imagine if I was sincere about that? What, I’m gonna put, “Stand By Your Man” by Tammy Wynette down for the world to see? NO. I’d look like a serial killer. Oh, but you know who I did see? Jeffrey. And you know what he put down? “Dude Looks Like a Lady” by Aerosmith. Think about that.

Taurus

Do you remember Joseph Kahn? He was a music video director who did most of the big hits back in the early 2000s? I think of him from time to time because the one time I watched Cribs, it was his home they showed. It was clinically clean. Spartan but tasteful. The grounds were immaculate. It was a beautiful home and all I kept thinking was, “Maybe I should have done those nudes for Richard Avedon when I had the chance. Maybe I’d be living in this sexy mausoleum instead of this garden suite with neighbours who think it’s cute to howl at the full moon every month.” You know what I mean?

Gemini

Oh, don’t even get me started on you. The mirror has two faces and you’ve put a knife in my back. I know you’re reading other horoscopes. I do. I heard you the other day at the grocery store talking about how mine were “unhinged” and “unreliable” and “self involved”. You know what? You can go to hell. I don’t care how you get there, either. But if I had to make a suggestion, I’d choose one of the lazier deadly sins because I know getting off your ass and finishing a job isn’t one of your strengths.

Cancer

They — “they” being people who are more popular than you — say everyone should have a useless skill they’re moderately good at. David Letterman used to champion these stupid tricks, both pet and human, on his show but since the other guy took over no one gets to see these feats of mediocrity. This month, I want you to challenge yourself in showing off your most useless talent. Is it the only talent you have? Probably. But be proud of that time you invested because a chipper attitude makes it seem like it wasn’t wasted at all!

Leo

Look, I ripped your cosmic brothers and sisters apart for never finishing a task but I’ll let you in on a secret: you never disappoint me. It’s not that you’re always crossing the finish line, oh no. But you’ve got the smarts to disguise your failures. Like the sushi burritos? Everyone knows that’s a roll you couldn’t be bothered to cut. Or those smoothie bowls? I won’t tell anyone it’s because you tried to dice a potato in your blender and destroyed the motor. You may not be the smartest but you’re clever.

Virgo 

I don’t know, just keep doing what you’re doing. I’d like to say I’ve got something inspirational up my sleeve for you but that’d be a lie. I mean, okay, let’s see. Um. Oh, I know — take a crazy chance and do a crazy dance, and, um... Yes, I know those are Hilary Duff lyrics, I’m not an idiot. I have two kids. Wait, three? No. Two? You know what, they don’t even call me anymore so it’s fine. Just do whatever. The more you know and all that bullshit.

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