Your Monthly Horoscope

Shanda Leer is your favourite tipsy aunt at a wedding. Besides making every pizza personal-sized, her three talents are hosting, toasting and ghosting.

Virgo

Girl, you think you’re ready for anything but let me spill a lil’ t here: YOU AIN’T. Oh, you’re just gonna slowly pick away at your to-do list and have faith in yourself that’ll it all get done on time? Don’t piss on my face and tell me it’s raining. Power through that list now like your life depends on it. Because if you don’t finish, I’m coming for you.

Aquarius

I’ve heard my kids say, “Get a girl who can do both,” which makes me a little uncomfortable because I know how teenage boys think. But if you take you mind out of the gutter (and I know it’s there), it’s actually great advice! But why stop at both? Do it all! Take in every inch of the path ahead of you and take it deep! (Why are you laughing?)

Capricorn

Do you feel like you’re being stretched too thin? I’ve taken the liberty to consult the stars (it’s literally my job) and you know what I see? I see that you’re barely touching your toes. You’re like the opposite of Virgo so, I dunno, maybe swap pants or shoes, or something and trade your energy. I don’t know how that dark magic actually works. I’m just a horoscopologist, not a witch. 

Taurus

While fire can be a fearful and destructive element, it’s also cleansing. It channels the raw emotions of our world and releases them into the sky with brilliant orange and red light. Fire, under the right circumstances, can save your life. Just remember that when you get fired later this month.

Gemini

You, my friend, are at a crossroads in life. This is a moment in time where your choices are neatly laid before you and all it takes is the courage to take the journey. Sure, all of them lead to misery and trauma, but it’s your misery and trauma so take hold of the reins! Assert yourself! Get insurance!

Libra

I sense that a new person has come into your life and already taken quite a space in your heart. Which is miraculous because I didn’t think there’d be any space left considering how much you love yourself. Nurture this relationship. Treat it with respect and dignity. Be thoughtful. I know it’s a bit outside your wheelhouse but I believe you can do it.

Leo

As winter approaches there are more grey days to endure, but that’s no reason to tolerate that grey cloud hovering over you. Remember, a smile can brighten any dreary day. Just don’t do that weird over-the-top smile you do when you’re nervous. It plays really needy. Act natural. Well, act normal.

Scorpio

Your usual attention to detail is going to be heightened this month as we move into our winter solstice moon. Although you may feel additional stress just remember it’s a concoction of your neuroses. Take a breath. Relax. And for the love of god, don’t burden your friends with this nonsense. Your parents, fine. They knew what they signed up for.

Cancer

When you wake up in the morning are you proud of yourself? Do you stretch your arms to heaven and let a satisfied breath slip between your pursed lips as you gaze out the dew-soaked window onto the city you’ve claimed as your own? Would some people who aren’t in your inner circle consider you smug even though you’re just genuinely happy with the life you’ve carved out for yourself? If yes, can you tell me how that works because it seems nice.

Sagittarius

Though you think you’re very open and free — the kind of person who doesn’t believe in, like, labels — this month’s stars will reveal that deep down, you’re a monster. But that’s fine because you know what? We’re all monsters. It’s true! At the end of the day we’re all looking out for ourselves and that won’t change no matter how much you tell your mother your fiancé is a decent, generous person that you’re not wasting the best years of your life with. YES, JEFFREY, THIS IS ABOUT YOU.

Pisces

Squirrelling away a nest egg is on your mind this month so when you see that “free” album download from a new band that’s adjacent to an old band you genuinely like, I’m gonna save you a click and say avoid it. Sure, getting something for free feels great but you’re spending your valuable time adding your name to their mailing list and then listening to a terrible album that’s trying to tap into a very 2013 hip-hop sound which is bizarre because it’s 2016 and do these people even have ears anymore?

Aries

I can see that look in your eye and I’m just gonna lay this out for you right now: Bullet journals do. not. work. I don’t care how many Buzzfeed experts told you a bullet journal will get your life together, it’s just doodling to make yourself feel better about being an absolute mess. You do you and remember you don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything. Except me.

 

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