Your Monthly Horoscope

Shanda Leer is your favourite tipsy aunt at a wedding. Besides making every pizza personal-sized, her three talents are hosting, toasting and ghosting.

Capricorn

Find a party you’re not invited to and make a splash. Enter gracefully with a gift and find the third-most popular person in the room. Then talk to the person next to them. Gatekeepers are the end goal but don’t devalue the Key-master. Put the “ME!” in boisterous.

Aquarius

Think back to the last social engagement you truly enjoyed and dissect it until it sounds like a mechanical process. Absorb these insights like a nourishing stew and realize that your fear of missing out is probably a big burp. Social engagements are burps. Satisfying burps that might get you laid.

Pisces

If you value quality time with your thoughts please make sure you lay down a sheet to catch the spills. Introspection is a viscous affair and that money you spent on your throw rug was thrown away on a frivolous item that only provided temporary escape. Why did you do that? Something to ponder on your sheet.

Aries

Wander down a wooded path to find your empathy. While you converse with the babbling brook realize that you’re competing with the natural flow of the environment. Then keep talking over it and drink the tonic you find in the meadow. It’s gin and you’re at home, asleep in the tub.

Taurus

Silence is golden but you’re an alloy. Brassy, to say the least. Every day your’re bombarded by scurrilous stories and attend them like overworked tugboats in the Port of Hamburg. There’s a time and place to take centre stage so if you’re going to do it make sure you bring a friend to gauge your level. Resist.

Gemini

You’re loved more than you realize and despised more than you think. Buy a present for you father and throw in down a well. Wait for the splash. If it sounds like him, all is well. If not, medicate with food and call your ex from high school. They’ll know what to do.

Cancer

Is the size of an ice cube indicative of a person’s character? Drop it into a cup and treasure the legs it leaves on the rim. There are times in our lives when the universe tells us to do the most. Find solace in the embrace of a fist and hope for another helping.

Leo

Colour theory is not dead. Lead by example. White is the absence of colour and colour is life. We’re drained of life as each day passes. Reach out for what imbues a sense of pride into your life and drape yourself in its hues. Orange.

Virgo

Time is a social construct—do not hold yourself to her expectations. Sleeping in is against your nature but have you ever taken a moment to alter course? Count backwards from 20 and when you can’t go anymore, do it again. Nothing really matters but we’re counting on you.

Libra

Not all matriarchs are mothers. Identify the people who need your guidance and support, and keep them at an arm’s length. Let them know they can rely on you but push them our of the nest while being their concealed net. Moulting is expected but a welcome hazard of the role.

Scorpio

Find one person and settle down immediately. Uncover the bliss of stagnation and the enveloping gentleness of the plateau. Be everything to one and nothing to others. Lose yourself not only in the music but the bond you’ve forged. Wake up at night in panic. Did you make a mistake?

Sagittarius

They tried to talk to you but your thoughts were focused on the flecks of gold pigment in their eyes. When god closes a door he opens a window to their soul but you’re too big to fit through. Find an alternative entrance. Think outside the box and break in if they invite you. A vampire.

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