Encyclopedia Hearsay | Archie Comics

 The Encyclopedia Hearsay was founded on four principles: misinformation, rumours, half-remembered conversations, and outright lies. Anyone can contribute, so long as articles are written with no research whatsoever. If you are citing The Land Before Time as a source, or abusing footnotes like David Foster Wallace, you are on the right track.

Archie Andrews is a fictional character whose exploits have been covered for the last sixty-or-so years in various Archie Comics. Archie has been depicted as both li’l and teenaged varieties, but is perpetually shown to be broke, charming and ginger[1]. Archie has had his choice of blonde or brunette for his entire existence, but can never seem to lock it down. Various theories have arisen that Archie is either trying to get both desired gals into a threeway or that he is in love with Jughead and/or fucking Mr. Weatherbee[2]. While Archie’s existence began as an exploration into the life of a 1950s teenager, in recent times Archie has tackled sexual equality, homosexuality, mortality and fighting the Punisher[3].

The main thrust of most stories revolved around the fact that Archie had two ladies after him 100% of the time, Reggie wanted those ladies to be after him instead, and Jughead ate hamburgers. That was six decades of comics summed up right there. Betty and Veronica characteristically have very little of their own agency and, as little as they had, they didn’t even come close to approaching the cardboard-like presence of Midge Klump[4], Moose’s put-upon nothing of a girlfriend. There’s also a host of ancillary characters. Whenever they need a robot or a tech thing, they go to Dilton. When they need a black person for a sports thing, they use Chuck and/or Nancy. For the rare occasion Archie and his pals attend class, there’s Ms. Grundy, Mr. Flutesnoot and the aforementioned Weatherbee. There’s Archie’s dog Hot Dog, Jughead’s surrogate father Pop Tate and D-obsessed gal “Big” Ethel. But none of the previously mentioned characters can hold a candle to Cheryl Blossom, who was the reason I first knew I was straight[5].

Cheryl Blossom was a goddess. Unattainable by any of the Riverdale plebeians. She flitted in and out of stories whenever they needed a surrogate for unadulterated perfection. I think the only time any of the boys convince her to go on a date is when they’re dying to make Betty and/or Veronica jealous and Cheryl is in on the play. Otherwise she wouldn’t be caught dead cavorting with those ditchpigs. If you were a Katy Keene man[6], I totally get it. She was basically Katy Perry if Katy Perry existed in the 1990s and was a cartoon.

Apparently, while doing minimal research for this article, I discovered The CW is developing a Riverdale television show, which is weird because The OC hasn’t been off the air that long[7]. I hope it plays better than the abysmal Jem and the Holograms and stays closer to the tone of Josie and the Pussycats, which is a great fucking movie and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise ever. If they decide to do it a little grim and gritty and more realistic, I’m hoping at the very least that whoever plays Jughead is shown constantly eating burgers, and then in the season finale, he dies of a massive coronary[8].


While these last two adjectives make the description of Archie seem like an oxymoron, keep in mind this is a fictional character. Also, Jessica Chastain exists, you savage.


Chasing Amy (Kevin Smith, 1997).


I think in one issue the Punisher chaperones a school dance. He is holding automatic weapons in most panels. I think this was in the 1990s.


If you knew Midge’s last name was Klump, I’ll give you a high five next time I see you.


Along with the fox Maid Marian in Robin Hood and that scene in Ghostbusters where Signourney Weaver is in a bra.


Or woman.


Or Dawson’s Creek or One Tree Hill. I assume. I don’t think anyone’s actually seen One Tree Hill, but I’m pretty sure it had to involve a love-triangle of some sort.


I’m also assuming that Melissa Joan Hart will shoehorn herself into this show somehow. Is she old enough to play Grundy now? Sidenote – in a footnote, I know – did you know Sabrina, the Teenage Witch ran for seven fucking seasons? That’s six seasons too long, right?


Illustration: Chris Alarcon

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