Your Monthly Horoscope

Shanda Leer is your favourite tipsy aunt at a wedding. Besides making every pizza personal-sized, her three talents are hosting, toasting and ghosting.


You know how your parents (if they cared) would say, “If you wanted something in life you have to ask for it”? They’re wrong. Take a leaf from your tipsy aunt and just sit back with a white wine spritzer, and wait for things to happen. No one wants to be assertive and everyone likes sitting down.


Why is rainbow food happening now? I mean, it’s everywhere. Rainbow donuts, cakes, grilled cheese, pizza, pretzels — just because it looks cute doesn’t mean you won’t need to upsize your pants! Unicorns gain weight too. All that food dye can’t be good for you either. My ex-husband Jeffrey didn’t do much right but he knew how to eat well. Stick to the beige food groups and you’ll grow up to be a strapping, unreliable deadbeat like him.


Some of you have electronic mailed me about what to do when there’s a lull in your conversation. First off, you need to recognize that it’s not because you’re draining. It’s probably their fault. Second, just do what my friend Aggie does and yell at the nearest waiter. It’ll build some common ground for you both and make the waiter feel like he’s part of your fun night out.


You’re the kind of person who wonders why we all can’t get along. The type of person who, when it comes down to it, would do away with all the labels of the world and just call everyone people. I’m gonna tell you something — that’s an incredibly insufferable point of view. If I had to pick a side during Team Jen versus Team Angie, you can pull up your socks too.


I don’t think you need to tell potential dates what you used to be like when you’re knee deep into flirting. They’re here with you now and I guarantee the old you won’t impress them. It’ll probably disappoint them or give them a twisted little fantasy you’ll have to act out unless you want them to leave you for some new filthy trick that you created and is that what you want?


Take a look back at your calendar — how many weekends do you remember? Now let’s take a look forward. Oh wait, you can’t, because you’re dead. I might be your favourite tipsy aunt, but even I have my limits and it’s just past the little red seal on a bottle of Jim Beam. And not those flimsy 750mL bottles. I’m talking the 1.14L. Come over for a sip but leave after three. That’s how I met Joni Mitchell.


Angel, this is the realest I’m gonna get with you: don’t reply to that Missed Connection. Not because it’s 100% not about you, but Missed Connections are just low rent Tinder hookups. Honestly. If they don’t have a phone with apps and are trolling CL for sex dates, you don’t need to bring that desperate energy into your life. But if you feel the itch, I’ll give you permission to call your ex. 


I’m gonna need you to sit down because Mercury Retrograde is coming. Now I’m going to need you to sit on your hands. And finally, I’m going to need you to not post about it because Auntie doesn’t believe in it and doesn’t want to hear about it. Maybe your little flash drive isn’t working because your computer is old and not because a planet somewhere out in the vastness of space is spinning funny. Maybe.


When you like someone — and by “like” I mean want rub all over with your witch hands — how do you approach them? Friend request? Instagram follow? Both at the same time? Do that DM slide I hear about on Vine? Do kids still use Vine? And why is everyone called fam? Is that short for family? And if it is, how’re y’all related? These are real questions I want you to answer by emailing [email protected]. These horoscopes aren’t always about you — I’ve got problems, too.


Y’know, I watched that whole Kimmy Schmidt show and it reminded me of you. Not because she has red hair and misdiagnosed PTSD, but because she keeps asking for high-fives that no one gives back. You gotta stop doing that. Especially when you ask for high-fives under the table. Don’t think I don’t know what that means. If you want a down-low high-five, you go to the bathroom or, if the situation’s right, an empty hallway near the hotel bar to do your sordid business.


Summer’s coming and I know the beach body is on your mind. Aw hell, it’s on mine too but who has time to work out or eat properly? I’m gonna give you an Auntie Tip that works every single time. First, you’ll need to get a comically large pair of sunglasses to distract wandering eyes. Next, a light shawl that could (but shouldn’t) double as a satchel. And last, but certainly not least, friends who make you look better by comparison. You’re lazy but personable so this is probably within your grasp.


You’re the Scholastic book fair of your friend group. What does that mean? Well, everyone gets far too excited when they hear you’re coming to town: to the party, to dinner, whatever. They talk about the last time you were there and how great a time you all had. But then when you arrive, you’re poorly lit and don’t have enough room for everyone so you schedule your friend hangs in mini-groups usually with the ones you’re just acquaintances with so by the time your real ride-or-dies show up, you’ve been picked over and have nothing more to give other than an old Louis Sachar book about kids who eat their own hair. Learn how to schedule or be a bigger room.

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